In high school, some kids were voted best dressed, class clown, most talented… but if there had been a category “Most likely to marry and have kids” I would have won hands down. There was plenty of conversation revolving around the fact that I always saw myself getting married and having a family. The idea of this seemed crazy to classmates who were going to college or seeking out worldly adventures, their goals and mine held no similarities. I think their judgement was supposed to be a moment where kids with bigger dreams could chuckle and feel momentarily superior. Somehow, despite the connotations, I always prayed they were right. Then fate stepped in, and a friend named Alison threw a spring break party where I met a feather-haired, gold chain wearing dream. Four months later at the age of seventeen, I was engaged to be married. I was one step closer to fulfilling the tongue in cheek vision that my classmates had jokingly laid out before me.
Fast forward thirty four years.
I find that hard to even type as the passing of time has always put a lump in my throat, I’m honestly typing through teary eyes. Thirty- four years since a high school party changed the trajectory of my life forever. I was blessed when a year later at age eighteen I got married. I relished in the role of wife and years later with the birth of our son I became a mother. Our daughter followed two and half years later. It will go down as my greatest accomplishment that my kids felt loved and secure growing up, and although we didn’t always have what others had they enjoyed their childhood. It would be honest to say the only one who enjoyed it more than them-was me. I can tell you without doubt or any uncertainty that I was born to be a Mother. This didn’t make me the worlds best, but oh how I tried. While the other mom’s sat at the picnic tables at the park, I played…hard. I played with my kids, and soon we would have all the kids at the park joining in. I would cackle “I’ll get you my pretty” like the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz and run like a wild woman tagging screaming children. I loved it beyond measure and I miss those days.
Then, one day I realize life has been happening. I think I was so busy enjoying my kid’s life with them that I didn’t make that separation as to my own life and my happiness outside of them. If left alone to my own devices, which I always hated, I was lonely and bored. Often I would have no idea how to fill my time. There were times I became envious of the women who could put themselves first and follow other passions. I didn’t know how. I truly had never allowed myself to do that. So while I made sure my family enjoyed all the “pie” I sat back joyfully taking credit for their happiness, such a silly idea now that I am older and wiser. While I was glad to see them all following their passion I was blindly losing site of what would fill my days. My “someday” was always another day, week or year away. I ended up kicking my “someday” further down the road.
Well, folks, I’ve come to a fork in the road. I want to kick the rock in both directions and see what I find. I want to start trying out interests that I’ve shelved for years and find out where I go. I have viewed this blog as sort of a rebirth of a writing passion I have had my whole life. It is certainly at the top of the “pursue your passion” list. I can’t tell you with certainty that I know where I am headed with this. I hope to have others join this will hopefully be a place for feel support and inspiration. I have also concluded that even if another person never reads my words, I will have done something just for myself. Selfish enjoyment, which has been a long time coming.
I hope that you start thinking about your own passions and desires that you’ve shelved. I hope when you’re done with raising babies or building that career or whatever else has been occupying your time that you grab a fork and dig into that last piece of pie!
Till next time- Erin
