Dear Erin

Why did this notion never hit me before? If given the chance to apologize to myself, what would I say?

First, a bit of back story… I used to hold grudges, I was proud of the grudges I held because I felt like it made me blatantly aware of who was on my side, and who wasn’t. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me without pushing that window closed a bit. Imagine someone hurting you, you are on one side of an old farmhouse window. (You know the one that’s been painted two dozen times and gets stuck if there’s a drop of moisture in the air.) They are standing firmly on the other side…(in my imagination they are standing with their back to me, they have after all betrayed me somehow) You put both hands on top of the old window, pushing to fully close it- but it sticks a quarter of the way down, then the next time you’re hurt it inches down some more, until soon, it’s closed and shut…for good this time.

Today I realized I have accepted apologies from people who never apologized. As the saying goes “not because that person deserves it, but because my soul deserves peace.” I have evolved from holding grudges. I have reached out twice recently to folks I had given up on. Not for their sake, but for mine, and I’m learning just how well that works. In my pursuit of a passion filled life I can’t harbor old resentments. The two do not go hand in hand. But what I’ve never done is accepted and apology from myself. So it made me think, how would that apology go?

Dear Erin, It’s literally been a lifetime, and I’ve never gone out of my way to apologize to you for some things that weigh heavy on my heart. Please allow today to be the day I change that. I’m sorry that I let you question your worth as much as you have. For all the days you worked toward goals that never came to be, and you felt less about yourself because of it. I’m sorry for the Everclear back in ’86, sorry for not steering you away from leg warmers and spin class. Accept my apology for allowing you to talk to yourself in ways you would never talk to a friend, and worse yet, that you went on to believe those words. Oh, and sorry for not noticing that it is salt and not sugar that cousin Kate keeps in a bowl next to her coffee maker. Knowing that apologies are only as good as the spirit in which they are given allow me to say that I love you and I’m deeply sorry that I don’t always treat you the way you should treat someone you love. Erin

It would in fact go something like that. If I wanted to get more specific it would be that I haven’t always taken care of myself, not only physically (that’s the least of it) but mentally. I know we all get stuck. We wander away from our path of true center where our peace and calm live. Sometimes, if others that have led us down the wrong path we forgive them but seldom do we think of forgiving ourselves. Even when we know we are better than the words we’ve said to ourselves. We’ve let ourselves get depressed about things others have done, then we can’t forgive ourselves for not seeing it coming. Wishing that we had been smart enough to guard our hearts and prevent the heartache from the beginning.

So do yourself a favor in this pursuit of a passion filled life, write yourself an apology letter. It took me two days and about seven drafts to get mine where I wanted it. You might be surprised at what ends up on paper.

One final note to myself… “Erin, apology accepted.”

Till next time- Erin