This side of heaven

Ugggg, here it is again. 

That feeling of want, and of wishing you were here. No surprise…been fighting it all day. I’ve done the usual tricks, I’ve avoided sappy songs, thought of only funny moments (which honestly only makes it worse) and told myself that I’m strong enough to not be reduced to tears.

Such a liar.

Almost eight years have passed since losing my Mom. One word to describe that- unfathomable. We were thick as thieves. We were laugh till you pee your pants friends. We were secret keepers, and stay up past dawn talking gals. 

We were not ready for it to be over. 

God has a plan. I’m not privy to it, therefore I have my days that I ask questions. I have my days that I celebrate her being gone as well, because being here was just too painful for her, and as a bestie, I didn’t want that for her.  So, I carried on.

I had promised her I wouldn’t cry while she was sick- but damn all bet’s were off when she was gone. Pulling myself together wasn’t an option, even the tanqueray and tonic wouldn’t help.

I tried. 

We threw her the best  funeral a gal could ask for- beautiful and genuine. Funny stories filled an overflowing church on the day after Christmas. A testimony to how loved she was/is. 

We picked up her ashes on my birthday, later having pizza and more tanqueray… my sister found the birthday gift she bought me in her closet- I have no idea what it was, I wanted nothing to do with that bright colored paper. 

The void is palpable.

She has had so many Great Grand-babies since she’s been gone. She had only met one, and she was over the moon for her little man. I’d like to think that the ones who came after her departure she also held for awhile, and kissed their heads. They all laugh from their toes like she did, they are making her proud. 

I realized today, when for no good reason, I started to cry, that I never let go.  I have no intentions of starting now.

I sure am missing ya Momma Lady.

With love from this side of heaven.

Till next time- Erin