Month: March 2020

One piece at a time

Just Write

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I’m not sure where I’m going with this, just know that if I don’t get back to what I love I will become less of who I am. So here goes-

Before all the madness hit, my husband and I had taken a few hour ride to check out a piece of property that was for sale. It had an existing business on it and it seemed like it was worth the drive to consider taking it on. The day was nice, stopping for lunch along the way and having conversation about the future. We have always been planners, we are not the “live for today” type, so we usually hash a lot of things out on these rides where it’s just us and the blacktop.

Half way to our destination, the idea of my ice cream shop was discussed. This is the same ice cream shop I’ve mentioned in a few of my other posts. It’s the one that I have the grand kids convinced we will have one day. We have our Pintrest boards filled with ideas and it’s name is picked out. But, during this particular drive it was determined that if we made it to this property and it wasn’t a good fit, we would make the Ice cream dream happen. The property and it’s existing business wasn’t what we wanted so on our ride home the ice cream/sweet shop idea was a hot topic. We figured out about a two year time line and by the time we were home I was feeling high on sugar dreams.

Not too much was said about this, I discussed it with the grand kids while we designed and colored pictures of what our ice cream cones would look like. A coloring project that is easy to get behind when you are between five and eight years old and your Grandma tells you she is going to open an ice cream shop. I told one friend about it and took photos of a building I would want it to be in, this building isn’t for sale but who knows what might change I thought. The building sit’s without an address, without any idea of who owns it so I started asking around while at night I tried to photo shop the pictures I took to see what it would look like once I was done with it. (Fantastic by the way) My husband contacted a man he knows whose wife owns a small ice cream shop, and I contacted her about picking her brain and maybe coming down to Ohio during Spring break when I wouldn’t be watching the little ones, doing a job shadow and being productive toward my goal… that has all fallen to the wayside.

Crazy. There’s no other word really. Instead of having fun thoughts about the future I’ve gone a bit crazy worrying about today. Fun idea’s about the future are so far off my radar that I can’t even remember what they look like. Wondering if there will even be any fun times ahead? I’m not sure of the answer. Wondering if the planning for the future attitude was all a waste? I don’t do good with the “out of my control” discussion that I have with myself no less than forty times a day. I want to remain a dreamer in action. I just don’t have it in me, I’ve been trying.

I really haven’t been able to write since the madness hit, my brain can not function on chaos and still be creative. Much like the fact that I haven’t been able to read a book since my Mom died, and that’s been eight years. I just can’t concentrate. I would hate to think that I would be stuck without being able to write, so I am forcing myself to get the dialog going again. Because eight years from now I don’t want to realize I haven’t written anything since the madness. That would be too big of a sacrifice.

So here it is…words on a screen. I’m writing because I just have to write. This is something I still have control over while the rest of the world is on fire around me.

I’ll sign off now because I really don’t have anything else to cover. Thank you for letting me just write, thank you for just reading.

Till next time- Erin

12 in 20 (women who follow their passions)

12 in 20/Lauren

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Welcome to 12 in 20! Once a month this year I will highlight a woman who has found and followed her passion. Enjoy their stories, find yourself in them, they are wonderful women. It’s a blessing to highlight them. Thank you for joining me for the third post in this series.

I’m so excited to introduce you to Lauren, who at first glance might remind you of a Disney princess, and at second glance…well, you’re still not convinced she’s not. Let me settle your mind about this, she looks likes a princess, and works like a gladiator from the movie Three Hundred. This is Lauren’s story.

Lauren has know what her passion was since she was a sixteen year old girl working at a local pizza joint. While working there firefighters from a nearby station would frequently come in to eat, she began talking with them about their jobs and the roll that women played in their department. These conversations started Lauren on her quest. Having gone through life being told she was “tiny” or “cute and petite” had become frustrating, while these are all flattering statements, what she wanted to hear was that she was brave and smart. She wanted people to realize she had the qualities she would need to pursuit her passion. At the age of twenty eight she found herself feeling unfulfilled by her current nine to five. She had known since age sixteen what it was she should be doing. It was time to put this long awaited desire into action. At just five foot three and one hundred and eighteen pounds this princess knew she would be “kicking against the pricks, swimming upstream and taking stabs at wild and crazy dreams.”
Lauren was going to be a firefighter.

But fairy tales and the pursuit of passion do not come easy, and what began as an adventure with her head held high and her spirit strong turned into darkness as she realized that she had a very, very rough road ahead. The journey would take her almost four years, and the obstacles seemed endless. Imagine feeling a high level of disappointment every day for years but continuing the fight.

Lauren’s fight began with a twelve week EMT course that ends in a state and national test. Once completed, she had to wait for a city to put out applications-she would then have to create a profile and sign in to be one of the fifteen hundred or so applicants. After that process she had to look forward to a written test of around one hundred and fifty questions that will usually take about three hours to complete. Finishing in the top five percent will likely get you a first round interview in front of a random panel of firefighters from the hiring city. She managed all those steps and next it was on to CPAT (candidate physical ability test) which consists of eleven events that must be completed in ten minutes and nineteen seconds, or she would fail out. But failing wasn’t an option, so she moved on after that to a second round of interviews and a five week unpaid internship academy which she did after work for four hours and on Saturdays for eight hours. Making it through all that brought her to a twelve week official academy where you are tested often on your physical ability, teamwork, reading and fire skills specific to the city which she would be working for. She never allowed herself to have a back up plan, this was it- and she attributes her success to this attitude. Much like Joan of Arc she would think, “I’m not afraid, I was born to do this.”

Being a firefighter has many benefits, a great home life ranks right near the top. Lauren is a wife and mother to two small kids. She loves being their role model and knowing that her schedule will allow her twenty days a month at home to take care of her family and still have time for being social with her friends. Lauren is blessed with a supportive family who attended her graduation where she was chosen by her peers to give the commencement address. Isn’t that just like the fairy tale ending the Princess always seems to have? She can now show young boys and girls that they can break molds and do anything they set out to do without permission from society.

There is something to be said for grit, for sheer determination and the will to fulfill our passions. Lauren is an example to not only young boys and girls, but to all of us who think that the cards are stacked against us. She really is the heroine in her own life story.

Thank you Lauren for sharing your journey to fulfilled passion with us. It was my pleasure to learn abut your life and journey.

One piece at a time

Dear Erin

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Why did this notion never hit me before? If given the chance to apologize to myself, what would I say?

First, a bit of back story… I used to hold grudges, I was proud of the grudges I held because I felt like it made me blatantly aware of who was on my side, and who wasn’t. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me without pushing that window closed a bit. Imagine someone hurting you, you are on one side of an old farmhouse window. (You know the one that’s been painted two dozen times and gets stuck if there’s a drop of moisture in the air.) They are standing firmly on the other side…(in my imagination they are standing with their back to me, they have after all betrayed me somehow) You put both hands on top of the old window, pushing to fully close it- but it sticks a quarter of the way down, then the next time you’re hurt it inches down some more, until soon, it’s closed and shut…for good this time.

Today I realized I have accepted apologies from people who never apologized. As the saying goes “not because that person deserves it, but because my soul deserves peace.” I have evolved from holding grudges. I have reached out twice recently to folks I had given up on. Not for their sake, but for mine, and I’m learning just how well that works. In my pursuit of a passion filled life I can’t harbor old resentments. The two do not go hand in hand. But what I’ve never done is accepted and apology from myself. So it made me think, how would that apology go?

Dear Erin, It’s literally been a lifetime, and I’ve never gone out of my way to apologize to you for some things that weigh heavy on my heart. Please allow today to be the day I change that. I’m sorry that I let you question your worth as much as you have. For all the days you worked toward goals that never came to be, and you felt less about yourself because of it. I’m sorry for the Everclear back in ’86, sorry for not steering you away from leg warmers and spin class. Accept my apology for allowing you to talk to yourself in ways you would never talk to a friend, and worse yet, that you went on to believe those words. Oh, and sorry for not noticing that it is salt and not sugar that cousin Kate keeps in a bowl next to her coffee maker. Knowing that apologies are only as good as the spirit in which they are given allow me to say that I love you and I’m deeply sorry that I don’t always treat you the way you should treat someone you love. Erin

It would in fact go something like that. If I wanted to get more specific it would be that I haven’t always taken care of myself, not only physically (that’s the least of it) but mentally. I know we all get stuck. We wander away from our path of true center where our peace and calm live. Sometimes, if others that have led us down the wrong path we forgive them but seldom do we think of forgiving ourselves. Even when we know we are better than the words we’ve said to ourselves. We’ve let ourselves get depressed about things others have done, then we can’t forgive ourselves for not seeing it coming. Wishing that we had been smart enough to guard our hearts and prevent the heartache from the beginning.

So do yourself a favor in this pursuit of a passion filled life, write yourself an apology letter. It took me two days and about seven drafts to get mine where I wanted it. You might be surprised at what ends up on paper.

One final note to myself… “Erin, apology accepted.”

Till next time- Erin